


Love is When...

by SassyCC



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, as a heads up this has a toxic relationship in it, nothing too dramatic just be aware
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:15:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27773638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyCC/pseuds/SassyCC
Summary: Love is joy. Roman learned that when he fell in love with the boy with the rain-spattered glasses. Love is pain. Roman learned that when the boy left him in an empty classroom without a second glance. Love is trial and error. Roman learned that when he fell in love again with the boy in the purple hoodie.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is a repost from my Wattpad account (SassyCC)!! it also does follow the story of an unhealthy/abusive relationship, so please be aware of that before reading.

_ Love is when their easy grin sets your heart fluttering. _

Roman knew that he was already head over heels for this boy as soon as he flashed his grin at him. Well, could you really call it a grin? It was more of a smirk. A smirk that sent Roman’s head reeling and left him momentarily breathless at the explosion of butterflies in his stomach.

Roman knew he was too far gone with Logan from the start.


	2. Chapter 2

_ Love is when you suddenly notice that they’re everywhere around you. _

The smirk was a result of Junior year Chemistry. Roman and Logan were paired up together to figure out what mystery element was in the test tube they were given.

Judging by the blue color, Roman had immediately assumed that the substance was copper based, but Logan had vetoed his suggestion, reasoning that their teachers - while , according to Logan, they were horrendously inadequate - wouldn’t have left the color blue if the answer was that obvious. Roman, defending his honor, had continued to stubbornly argue his point until he was severely dismayed to find that, after running two tests, Logan had deduced the substance was Ammonium, a substance that didn’t include copper whatsoever. 

Logan’s small triumph was what caused him to flash Roman the all-knowing smirk, sending any coherent thought of his to go straight out the window. 

“Whatever, Nerd,” Roman muttered with no real bite in his voice.

“Jealous, Prep?” Logan shot back, the same grin still resting on his face.

“Oh, you wish, Microsoft Nerd.”

Logan tutted. “You are slipping.”

While Roman rolled his eyes, they packed their bags and headed to their next class, saying a quick farewell before separating. As Roman made his way to English, he couldn’t help the massive grin from spreading across his face. He knew he’d had a crush on Logan for a while, but it was only recently that his feelings had become noticeable to their owner.

You can then imagine Roman’s surprise when, as he came on stage during rehearsal, he saw a familiar bookworm sitting in the back row of seats in the theater, eyes skimming the pages of a textbook while he neatly wrote notes against his knee.

As rehearsal drew to an end, Roman jumped off the stage and made his way to Logan who, without looking up from his page, merely greeted him with his usual, “Salutations, Reyburn.”

To which he replied with a grin, “Smith. Didn’t think I’d see you near the stage. Don’t you have robotics now, anyway?”

Logan, at last, looked up from his work, snapping the textbook shut and fixing Roman with a calculating, yet teasing, gaze. “I did not realize you knew my schedule this well, Roman,” he said, turning Roman’s whole face red, “but yes,” he continued, saving Roman from stuttering out an answer, “usually I have robotics, but we canceled today, so I thought I would come and wait for you here. Shall we?”

Roman, now mostly recovered, agreed with an eager “We shall!” and followed Logan out of the theater, calling a goodbye to his director as he left. 

“So, how is the play going?” Logan asked while they walked idly through the halls.

“It’s good! It’s really fun.”

“Well, I cannot wait to see it,” Logan commented.

“Oh, uh, you don’t have to come see it, you know. Like, don’t feel obligated,” Roman stuttered.

“I am well aware. I want to.”

“Oh… thanks,” Roman replied, smiling at Logan.

The two made their way to the parking lot, sarcastic quips and conversation filling the silence. They pulled up to Roman’s house far too quickly for Roman’s liking, yet he exited the car with a grin on his face as Logan bid him goodbye.


	3. Chapter 3

_Love is when they start to occupy your mind, giving what used to be pointless items sentiment._

One of the worst yet simultaneously the best parts about having a crush is the drastic effects they have on your life. Specifically, the meaning of things.

It was Roman’s turn to drive him and Logan home today, his red Mustang greatly contrasting with Logan’s blue BMW. They had a rotating driving schedule, courtesy of Logan, and Roman drove Tuesdays and Fridays.

Roman stretched out his arms, shifting his backpack to his left shoulder as he walked across the school to the science and technology department where he knew he’d find Logan nose-deep in code. Eventually, he made it to the computer labs and sat down against the wall beside the door, sending out his Snapchat streaks while he sang along quietly to his Broadway soundtracks.

At long last, the door opened, though, Roman didn’t notice, so invested in his musical that he only looked up when a tall shadow was cast over him. His head jerked up and broke into a smile when he saw Logan’s critical eyes staring down at him.

Tugging out an earbud, he smirked up at him. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

Logan snorted, and Roman swore the floor dropped out from beneath him. “Get up, Reyburn, we both have got to go.”

Grinning, Roman stood up and slung his backpack over one shoulder. “Later, nerds,” he said, addressing the rest of the robotics club to which they let out a laugh, used to Roman’s antics since he almost always picked up Logan from the club.

“Are you actually in a hurry to get home, Specs?” Roman asked casually as they walked.

Logan cast him a side glance, raising one eyebrow. “I suppose I have a few hours to spare before I am needed at home. Why?”

“Oh, nothing,” Roman said elusively. Logan let out a sigh but said no more.

The pair made their way through the linoleum hallways down to the parking lot where Roman was very surprised to find that it was pouring with rain. Now, Roman Reyburn had always loved the rain. He loved the smell of it and the suspended, paused-in-time feeling of it. He loved the slight chaos of it and that feeling when you never know if it will pass or if the skies will open above you, sending torrents of water upon your head. He especially loved the sound; the slight pitter-patter of rain on the ground, on the roofs, and on the trees. He loved sitting with earbuds in and music playing but still allowing the sound in while he watched raindrops chase each other down the window. 

But now, as he and Logan darted across the wet tarmac to Roman’s car with laughter bubbling up inside them in that free-flying space-defying feeling of happiness, Roman found a new reason to love the rain. Because, when they finally climbed into Roman’s car, breathless and nearly soaked through, Roman took one look at Logan, and the grin on his face grew wider. 

With raindrops caught in his hair and spattering his glasses, Logan removed the frames to dry them, and for the first time, Roman finally got a glance at Logan’s eyes, completely unobstructed. And he was starstruck. Honey mixed with chocolate mixed with something else Roman couldn’t quite place created a galaxy before him. Logan then, much to Roman’s dismay, put his glasses back on and huffed out a laugh, running a hand through his hair when he caught Roman staring.

“Is something wrong, Roman?” he asked, and whether a flirty tone was included or not, Roman couldn’t tell.

Turning to face the wheel to avoid his gaze, Roman shrugged. “You should wear contacts more often.”

In the rearview mirror, Logan looked partially taken aback before smiling slightly and shifting his focus to the road. “Maybe, I will.”

Yes, Roman loved the rain for its sound and feeling, but now, he loved the rain for Logan who, by simply existing, had seemed to alter the meanings of everything previously meaningless.


	4. Chapter 4

_ Love is when you have to psych yourself up for even the smallest of touches. _

As Roman pulled out of the school parking lot, he broke the silence. “So, no rush to get home, right?”

“None, whatsoever,” Logan responded, a tone of intrigue in his voice. 

“Perfect,” Roman said, grinning, and he took a sharp turn to the left, sending Logan against the window. 

“Roman!” he scolded to which the other let out a small laugh, his tongue darting out between his teeth. “Where are we going anyway?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Yes, actually, I would, that is why I asked. So where are we going?”

Roman let out a dramatic sigh. “Oh, Logan, Logan, Logan, when will you learn to stop asking questions and live a little!” 

Logan rolled his eyes, though Roman couldn’t see it. “The irony of that statement was that it was a question in itself.”

“Oh shut it, Erlenmeyer Trash,” he said indignantly, though when Logan snuck a glance at him, a small grin was on his face.

“Creative,” Logan conceded.

“It’s what I do.”

They drove in comfortable silence after that, occasionally perforated by Roman’s humming of a song he couldn’t quite place. As they drove, the rain slowly lessened, and soon, the clouds cleared, allowing the pair a view of the flaming colors of a sunset. Eventually, they pulled into the parking lot of a small diner by the seaside. When they got out of the car, Roman took a deep breath and immediately felt his shoulders relax at the salty taste on the wind. He felt Logan’s eyes on him and turned to give him a small smile before heading towards the restaurant. 

“What makes this place so special?” Logan asked when they walked in.

Roman raised an eyebrow, clearly impressed. “How did you know it was special?” he asked, grabbing two menus off the receptionist’s desk before guiding Logan to a table next to a window overlooking the rolling waves down below.

“For one thing, you drove a good half hour out of town to bring me here, and secondly, you relaxed as soon as you got out of the car. Balance of probability leads me to believe this place has some sort of sentimental value,” Logan finished, adjusting his glasses.

Roman grinned at him. “Always on the deductions, eh, Holmes? But yeah, you’re spot on. I used to come here with my parents when I was younger. We couldn’t always get out to the beach, so they brought me here. I used to stare out at the sea while I colored on the tablecloths,” he said, laughing a little at the memories. “But when they had my younger brother, we stopped coming. But you know, you’re free, I’m free, and it’s a weekend. And I’m hungry. So, why not?”

Logan smiled, genuinely touched. They held each other’s gaze for a few seconds before Logan broke it off, clearly flustered, as he picked up the menu. “So, you said that they have good fries?”

“Oh, unbelievable.”

* * *

They ordered quickly and ate, enjoying each other's company to the sound of crashing waves and music coming from the diner’s radio. By the time they had climbed back in the car, the sun was just touching the rim of the water.

“One more stop?” Roman asked, knowing he was starting to push his limits.

“It depends on where we are going,” Logan countered as Roman turned to reverse, sending him a smile.

“Can’t say, but I’m taking your answer as a ‘yes,’” Roman said cheekily and headed in the opposite direction to home. Logan sighed but didn’t protest. In fact, when Roman risked a glance at him, he was staring out the window, a complacent expression on his face.

After five or so minutes, they pulled up outside an ice cream parlor.

“Ice cream, Roman? Really?” Logan asked, his eyebrow raised as Roman jumped out of the car.

“Most certainly, Logan,” he said without hesitation, opening the door for Logan, who in turn, rolled his eyes but got out. Upon entering the store, a 50’s aesthetic, complete with checkered floors and a jukebox in the corner, greeted them.

Only an old couple delicately picking at a shared cup of sorbet and a small family of four with two little girls who had covered their faces and the tips of their pigtails in strawberry ice cream populated the shop. Just like the diner, it was somewhere Roman had come when he was a child, and he hoped Logan understood what it meant to him to bring someone here.

A perky server gave them their ice cream (Fudge Brownie for Roman and Vanilla for Logan (much to Roman’s protest at the “audacious blandness” of vanilla ice cream)), and after, they went for a small walk along the cliffside. Only the birds’ song and rolling waves filled the silence, and while Logan’s head may have been comfortably silent, Roman’s was filled with what seemed like a million thoughts a minute.

_ Just do it.  _

_ You’ve spent the whole evening together!  _

_ Be subtle. _

_ Dangit, just go for it!! _

_ Wait, first switch your ice cream into your other hand. _

_ Okay, now go. _

_ What’s the worst that could happen? _

_ On three, okay? _

_ 1… _

_ 2… _

_ 3! _

_ … _

_ Dammit, Roman. _

_ Okay, do it this time. _

_ 1… _

_ 2… _

_ 3! _

Roman, slightly shaking with his stomach fluttering, gently reached for Logan’s hand. Well, he tried to. Three centimeters away, he chickened out, and the attempt resulted in a mildly harsh nudge.

_ Frick, frick, frick. _

_ Dumb move, shouldn’t have done that. _

_ Don’t look at him! _

_ He probably thinks you’re really wei- _

A warm, steady, and assuring hand slipped into his. Roman exhaled a giggle and slid his gaze towards Logan who, though he was staring ahead, gave his hand a small squeeze. 

During the drive home, while it still took at least a minute of self-motivation, Roman managed to successfully hold onto Logan’s hand as the sunset dipped beneath the waves behind them.


	5. Chapter 5

_ Love is when you’re finally together, and it’s barely a change from your everyday life. _

That night, Roman could have sworn that he was on Cloud Nine as he pulled his car into the driveway and locked it. He practically danced up the stairs into his house, swooping his mother into a hug with the biggest smile on his face.

“Oh, dear mother, aren’t the colors simply beautiful today?”

She laughed and clutched at her son’s shoulders, his smile contagious. “Roman! What’s gotten you all excited? And how come you’re back so late!” Her face suddenly turned serious as she examined Roman’s grinning face. “You haven’t been drinking have you?!”

“No, mother, I have not, you can even check my breath,” Roman said confidently, setting her down. 

“Then, is it a boy or a girl?” she asked as nonchalantly as she could muster. While her eldest son had claimed to have fallen in love more times than she could count, he had never reacted like this. She only hoped that whoever it was would be good for him.

“His name’s Logan. He’s really smart and stuff,” Roman answered, a dreamy smile on his face while he drifted towards the island and sat down.

“Wow, how articulate,” she joked, pouring him a cup of water.

“Sorry, Mom,” he apologized before grabbing the cup, planting a kiss on her cheek and heading upstairs to his room, turning on his Broadway playlist. He danced down the hall, sending finger guns at his little brother Luis before sashaying into his room. Grinning at the photos of him and his friends pinned up on a bulletin board above his desk, he tugged the headphones out, allowing the music to fill the room as he twirled over to his bed and promptly flopped onto it.

Turning on his phone, he was idly scrolling through Instagram when a text came through from none other than Logan.

Logan: Roman, was today a date?

Roman: hello to you too XD

Logan: Roman.

Roman: aw come on specs :(

Logan: Roman, I am being serious.

Roman: well that depends

Roman: do you want it to be a date?

Logan: I suppose so, yes.

Roman: then it was a date! that easy ;)

Logan: So, does that make us boyfriends?

Roman: i mean usually i go on at least 3 dates before i add any labels

Logan: Ah, I see. I apologize. I am not very experienced in the romantic department.

Roman: lol its okay logan

Roman: why dont we go to a movie this weekend?

Roman: and if you want we can do affectionate stuff in school

Roman: ...that sounded stupid sorry

Logan: Roman, you are rambling. A movie sounds great :)

Roman: *G A S P*  
Roman: did you just use an EMOTICON?!?!?!

Roman: im shook

Logan: Goodbye, Roman. I will see you tomorrow x

Roman: AND a kiss omg

Roman: bye nerd x


	6. Chapter 6

_ Love is when the whispers turn into shouts, and the hugs turn into iron grips that leave a mark. _

“Logan!” Roman shouted above the din of the high school hallways. The young man in question turned at the call of his name as the sight of his boyfriend running towards him greeted him. With a pant, Roman grabbed his hand securely before falling into step with him.

“Roman? For what do you need my assistance?”

Roman paused before answering, heaving in huge breaths while grinning up at Logan. “Hey, Nerd.”

Logan sighed but smiled nevertheless. “Salutations, Prep.”

Yes, the names had lost their bite now that the two had become so close (if there really was any bite to begin with). Alas, old habits die hard, and they couldn’t quite break their habit of rallying back nicknames.

“So, Nerd, now that we’re boyfriends, I’ve decided it’s time you meet my friends,” Roman announced as they made their way to Chemistry together.

“I have already met Patton?” Logan recalled, a questioning tone at the end of his sentence.

Roman scoffed. “Patton? Of my friend group, he’s the tamest. Don’t get me wrong, I love him to death but trust me, my other theatre friends are  _ way _ crazier than him.”

“Well, I suppose if they are your friends, then I will be pleased to meet them,” Logan said, squeezing Roman’s hand slightly when Roman grinned at him widely.

The pair worked through their Chemistry lab, and soon, it was lunch, where Roman was eagerly dragging Logan through the busy cafeteria towards what was easily the loudest table in the room where five people were sat. Well “sat” wasn’t quite the right word, as they were clambering across the table, snatching bits of food from their friends’ plates while they shouted conversations, occasionally even slipping into song. At Roman’s presence, however, they graciously paused for all of two seconds to call a “Hello!” before immediately going back to their food wars.

It was only when Logan said “Hello” back did they freeze for good. They stopped and stared at him, analyzed him, and picked him apart. They took in what he was wearing compared to them, and how the way he held himself was tall and unslouched whereas they stood relaxed with their shoulders back. They saw how Logan was so very different from their group.

Then, they saw Roman shift and rub his thumb over the back of Logan’s hand, bringing attention to the fact they were intertwined. They saw Roman send him a small, reassuring smile full of an affection that they had never seen fill their friend’s eyes. They saw Roman shift his posture, totally relaxed at Logan’s side. They saw their best friend as the happiest he’d ever been, and they smiled widely at the newcomer.

“So you’re the gay, huh?” a purple-haired, sunglasses-wearing student piped up, only to be smacked by his friend next to him.

“Remy!”

“Oh, I meant  _ guy _ ,” he sarcastically corrected.

“Don’t be mean,” the friend scolded. “Heya, Logan!” he greeted. “I’m Patton, we’ve met a few times,” Patton said, smiling.

“Yes, I remember. Good to see you again,” Logan replied, politely.

“So, I just thought Logan could sit with us for lunch, yeah? Logan, this is Remy, Thomas, Patton, Terrence, and Valerie. They’re all in the cast for the winter musical, except for Pat, he’s on costume,” Roman explained, pointing at each of his friends when he said their name, some waving, others smiling or throwing their hand into a salute. 

“You all did wonderfully in the fall play,” Logan said as they sat down.

“Oh, thanks!” the girl, Valerie, replied. “Thanks so much for coming, it was so fun to do.”

“Yes, well, as Roman’s significant other, I am sure my presence was required. As it will be for the musical.  _ In the Heights _ , yes?”

“Obviously, you’re coming, starlight,” Roman assured, pecking Logan’s cheek before turning to his friend. “Remy?” Roman asked, making eye contact with his friend. “Behave.”

The rest of the table chuckled while Logan sat confused, unsure of what the joke was. He understood, however, when Remy replied with a pout and said, “Okay, daddy.”

“Remy!” Patton scolded. 

“Just saying,” Remy said with a small shake of his hips before sitting down again and snatching one of Roman’s chips as he did so. The table laughed, including Roman, and Logan felt his skin prickle.

Though Roman tried to curb Remy’s flirting, he was relentless, and while it was obviously more polite than it would have been had Logan not been there, Remy’s incessant pick-up lines and winks were starting to bug Logan. However, for the rest of the table, it was just lunch. They knew that Remy didn’t mean anything by the flirting, in fact, Roman and Remy’s friendship was the strongest in the whole school. They thrived off each other’s energy, and as they got older, the flirting grew until it was so over exaggerated it was laughable. 

Except, Logan wasn’t laughing. Quite the opposite. 

As soon as lunch ended, Logan grabbed hold of Roman’s wrist and yanked him up from the table bench.

“I truly apologize,” Logan said through gritted teeth, “but Roman and I must be going. It was a true  _ pleasure _ to meet you all,” he stated, accentuating the words so that the table knew they weren’t genuine. He quickly turned his back and pushed his way out of the cafeteria, forcing Roman to follow him.

“Logan! Logan, let go!” Roman cried as he was tugged along the hallways until they reached an empty classroom. “Logan, you’re  _ hurting me! _ ” he shouted. 

Silence. 

Roman glanced up at Logan, fingers soothing the angry red mark left on his skin where he had let go. Fleetingly, Roman wondered if Logan had only let go because they had reached their destination and not because Roman had been in pain.

“Roman, I-I am so sorry,” Logan said softly. 

“‘s fine, not a big deal,” Roman muttered.

“You just make me so  _ angry _ sometimes!” 

Roman’s head snapped up at the accusation, the quick change in demeanor giving him whiplash. 

“You promise me that you are mine, and yet, you go flirt with Remy as if it were nothing. I am your significant other, not him, you know.”

Roman, sensing Logan’s unhappiness at once, quickly tried to console him. “Logan, of course, I know that,” he said fondly, hands reaching towards Logan placatingly. “Remy’s just… a bit extra. But he doesn’t mean anything by it, we’ve been best friends for forever.” 

Logan softened his gaze when he saw Roman’s fearful eyes. “Can I see?” Logan asked, gesturing to Roman’s wrist.

He offered it to Logan who gently stroked the mark in an attempt to dispel the inflammation. Mere moments ago, Logan had been shouting at Roman, but now, he was back to loving him again? 

_ Maybe he just lost control of his emotions. It happens to all of us, _ Roman told himself.

Logan carefully lifted Roman’s wrist to his lips, placing a caring kiss on the injury. “Roman?” he asked quietly, still holding on to his wrist.

“Yes?”

“You know that you mean a significant amount to me, right?”

“Of course. You mean everything to me too.”

The grip on his wrist tightened for a fraction of a second. “Then, do not flirt with Remy ever again.”

Roman could only nod.


	7. Chapter 7

_ Love is when you watch as your personality fades away into someone that you no longer recognise. _

Logan: We are going to dinner at 6.

Roman: wait i cant

Logan: Why not?

Roman: i have rehearsal

Roman: for the winter musical

Roman: ive missed three days this week

Logan: Miss one more.

Roman sighed as his boyfriend’s text came through. Conversations like those were a regular occurrence in Roman’s life now. Logan was constantly setting up plans that worked for his schedule and not Roman’s, leaving Roman no choice but to miss whatever he had going on that week or risk angering his boyfriend. 

_ But I can’t miss another rehearsal. _

Roman: logan no. i cant miss rehearsal again

Roman: he’ll cut me from the show

Logan: Fine then. Go to rehearsal. Clearly, you care about it more than you do, me.

Roman: logan thats not fair! you know i care about you more than anything

**Read at 9:17 p.m.**

Roman ran a hand through his hair. He had already been given a warning regarding his lack of appearance for his school’s production of  _ In the Heights _ . The director had given him the lead role, something he was ecstatic about when he had found out, but Logan wanted to spend so much time with him that he was forced to come up with weak excuses for why he couldn’t be at rehearsal yet again.

Roman stared at his phone, indecisive and conflicted.

_ Should I stick with my passions or with Logan? _

Roman: which restaurant?

* * *

**To: Leo Goulding**

**From: Roman Reyburn**

**Subject: Rehearsal**

Hi Mr. Goulding,

I profoundly apologize for missing rehearsal yet again, however, I am unable to attend tomorrow afternoon. I hope you and the cast understand.

Apologies again.

-Roman

**To: Roman Reyburn**

**From: Leo Goulding**

**Subject: re. Rehearsal**

Hello Roman,

Thank you for letting me know about your absence tomorrow. I understand that there can be conflicts regarding scheduling, but I feel the need to remind you that in auditioning for the musical, you also signed up for the commitment into putting on a show. 

I know you are a very talented actor which is why it pains me to tell you that you are walking on very thin ice. I’m afraid to say that if you miss one more rehearsal (excepting tomorrow), you will be cut from the show.

I hope you can find time to join us. Your exuberance and love for the stage really bring our performances to life.

Leo Goulding

* * *

**REMINDER:** Rehearsal 9-12 a.m., Saturday

Logan: Brunch, this Saturday, 10 a.m.

Roman: ok

* * *

Thomas: hey roman, you ok?

**Read at 3:12 p.m.**

* * *

Remy: we going 2 laser tag

Remy: u in?

**Read at 7:03 p.m.**

* * *

**To: Terrence Williams**

**From: Leo Goulding**

**Subject: Roles**

Hello Terrence,

I hope you’re having a pleasant week so far. I am emailing you to inform you of a change in roles for the spring production of _ In the Heights.  _ Due to some complications, the lead role of Usnavi is now available, and we would like to offer you the role. Please email your acceptance or declination of the role before rehearsal tomorrow. 

Leo Goulding

* * *

Logan: Lunch at 12.


	8. Chapter 8

_ Love is when you see another pair work out an argument that ends in genuine “I’m Sorry’s,” and it feels foreign to you. _

The school hallways parted like the sea as Logan Smith and his boyfriend walked past, Logan’s hand resting possessively on his lower back. People stared, but wouldn’t you? For the first time in history, Roman Reyburn was quiet.

And not only was he quiet; he was timid.

While his boyfriend walked with his head held high, sending deathly glares at anyone who caught his gaze, Roman shuffled alongside him, eyes cast downward and barely peeking past his fringe. When Logan came to a stop, Roman’s feet mechanically held in place, not questioning why they were stopped. Logan had quickly taught him not to ask questions.

“I am going to the bathroom,” Logan said and left Roman waiting outside the boys’ bathrooms as Logan disappeared behind the swinging door, giving no further instruction. He didn’t have to. 

Roman stood patiently, plastering himself against the wall so he wasn’t in the way of anyone.

“You told me you weren’t going to buy anything else!”

“I bought it for  _ you _ !”

As the shouts echoed off of the lockers, Roman lifted his head when they reached his ears. He shifted slightly to the left, allowing him to catch a glimpse of the fighting couple, Sloane and Corbin. He knew them from the community service work he did the year before, and Roman was shocked to see them fighting. 

“We agreed you weren’t buying anything this month! You can’t afford to spend money on me.”

“But I  _ wanted  _ to!”

Roman, drawn in, started to walk closer, still trying to keep out of sight.

“But you shouldn’t have!”

“I did though. Look, why are we fighting about this? I wanted to get you a gift because I love you, but if you want, I’ll get you something small for your birthday, okay?” one of them said, his tone much softer than it used to be, and an adoring smile flitting across his lips.

“I - okay, yes that would be great. And I know you were trying to be sweet, and I really appreciate it. I just don’t see the need in buying pointless gifts, that’s all. But I love you too. Sorry for freaking out.”

Roman watched in awe as the two hugged warmly, one resting his head on the other’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry too,” he said. They pulled away and smiled at each other before intertwining their hands and walking off. Suddenly, a loud shout rang through the building.

“Roman!”

The cry snapped Roman out of his reverie, and he quickly scrambled back down the hallway where he found Logan standing outside the bathroom, foot tapping impatiently on the linoleum floor, and eyes glaring daggers at his helpless boyfriend.

“Where were you?” Logan snapped, not moving an inch while Roman meekly dragged his feet in his direction. 

Head down, eyes not rising past Logan’s knees, Roman quietly responded. “I heard shouting. I wanted to make sure they were okay.”

“You know better to disturb other people. They probably thought you were very creepy to be standing there watching them.”

“Yes, I know. Sorry.” As Roman apologized, the hallway became flooded with students as one class ended, and another one began.

“As you should be.” Logan’s eyes darted warily at the students around them. “We are going,” he said sternly, grabbing Roman by the wrist and tugging him away from the crowd, not wanting to cause a scene. 

“Logan,” Roman muttered quietly. “Logan!” he said a bit louder, applying the slightest resistance to the iron grip on his arm. “Can we talk?” he asked once they had finally found a secluded classroom. “Please…”

“What?” Logan responded, sharply.

_ Can we try talking things out,  _ **_for once_ ** _? Instead of just shouting and then moving on? _

“Nothing… nevermind.”


	9. Chapter 9

_ Love is when you realize that what you have isn’t love. Maybe it used to be, but now, it's not. _

A crash of thunder echoed outside Roman’s room as he lay on his bed, eyes trained on the ceiling. His covers were strewn across his floor, and though no lights were on in the house, the room was too bright for Roman’s liking.

It was another one of  _ those _ nights. Those nights when he couldn’t sleep for his life. Those nights when the past seeped in from every corner, beneath the door, and through the mesh of the windows. Those nights when he wanted to do everything and nothing at the same time. 

He rolled over and checked his phone for any texts, the sudden light blinding him momentarily before allowing him to see his lock screen pitifully empty of notifications from friends who had all but abandoned him. 

_ It wasn’t their fault _ , Roman supposed. He had left them first.

Another bout of wind shook the house, followed by the pounding of rain against the roof.

Rain against the windows. The car windows. Rain against Roman’s hair, rain against Logan’s glasses, rain against the school parking lot as they bounded for the shelter of Roman’s car.

_ “You should wear contacts more often.” _

_ “Maybe I will.” _

_*_ _*_ _*_

_ “Hey, Logan!” Roman called, loudly interrupting the din of the high school hallway. “Specs! Oh-” he faltered, the nickname no longer having its effect as, when Logan turned his head towards the call, Roman was met with unobstructed eyes. “You… where are your glasses?” _

_ Logan’s hand flew up to the left side of his face, a reflex built up from years of adjusting the frames only to find they weren’t there. “I uh…” he cleared his throat. “I took your advice.” _

_ “My ad- oh. Well… you look good,” Roman said, a smile adorning his face and a blush appearing on his cheeks. _

Rain against the trees. 

Rain against the grass, rain against the leaves, rain against the treehouse.

_ “You have a treehouse?!” Roman exclaimed, staring in awe at the structure looming above them. _

_ “Yes, it belongs to my little sister,” Logan replied sheepishly. _

_ “Will she mind if we go in it?” Roman asked excitedly, already a quarter way up the ladder and now peering down at Logan. _

_ “I do not see why she would.” _

_ The pair quickly scrambled up into the treehouse. Complete with four walls and a roof, the enclosed area had been turned into a safe haven with huge beanbags, blankets, and even fairy lights for night time visits. _

_ “Ahhhh,” Roman sighed as he collapsed on one of the beanbags. “This place is amazing! Come sit,” he beckoned to Logan, who was still standing awkwardly in the center. _

_ “Sure… yes, okay,” he stammered, before sinking into the soft material. _

_ “Wanna watch something?” Roman offered, pulling up Netflix on his phone. “ _ How I Met Your Mother _?” _

_ “That sounds fine, yes.” _

_ As the opening monologue of the show started, Roman oh-so-casually placed his arm around his boyfriend, pulling him into his side and producing a squeak. _

_ “Is this okay?” Roman muttered softly. _

_ “Yes… yeah, it’s good. More than good. I mean… yes.” _

_ Roman chuckled and, in an act of daringness, planted a small kiss in Logan’s hair. “You’re adorable when you’re flustered, did you know that?” _

_ Logan cleared his throat, instinctively reaching up to adjust his glasses on his very red face. “Yes, you uh -” he cleared his throat again. “You may have mentioned it once or twice.” _

_ Roman hummed. “Have I? Good.” _

_ The two continued to watch the episode, content in each other's arms. About halfway through the episode, rain had started to fall. Light at first, then heavy and loud. It battered the roof and the walls, but Logan and Roman were warm within the treehouse. Long after the episode had ended, they were still cuddling, limbs entangled. _

_ “Hey, Logan?” Roman asked, interrupting the silence. _

_ “Yes, Roman?” _

_ Roman paused before moving, hesitating and rethinking his decision once more before going for it. Gently, his free hand reached across Logan, coming to rest underneath his chin. Ever so slowly, giving Logan time to back out if he wished, Roman brought Logan’s face towards his and placed a short kiss upon his lips before pulling away. _

_ They didn’t move until long after that, happy in their bubble of romance as the rain fell outside. _

Rain against the house.

Rain against the pavements, rain against the cars, rain against buildings.

_ “Wait, sorry, what’d you say? FaceTime cut out again,” Roman asked, leaning closer to the camera. _

_ “I said that I have to go, unfortunately,” Logan responded, looking past the camera at his bedroom door. “Mother is calling me; I think Lilly needs help getting to sleep. You know how she is when it rains,” he explained, glancing out his window to see the newest thunderstorm’s effects sending rivers down the streets. “But, I will call you back when I finish?” he asked, returning his gaze to his boyfriend smiling at him through his screen. _

_ “Sure thing, Specs. Bye! Love you-” Roman’s voice caught, panic written all over his face. _

Frick, frick, frick, I didn’t mean to say that! _ Roman thought frantically. _

_ “Wait, what?” Logan paused, the goodbye still on the tip of his tongue. _

_ “Nothing! Reflex, goodbye!” Roman quickly reached over and slammed his computer shut, horrified at what he just did.  _

_ “You’re so stupid, Roman. What were you thinking! It’s barely been two months. God, you messed up,” he muttered to himself. His thoughts were quickly interrupted by the obnoxious ringtone emanating from his phone; Logan was calling him back. _

_ Regaining his composure, he put on a smile and clicked ‘Answer.' “Hey, Logan! Back so soon?” _

_ “Did you say that you loved me?” Logan asked, cutting straight to the point. _

_ “Um… yes I did, I’m sorry. I get it if you’re not ready or you don’t love me back or whatever, it was a reflex. I didn’t mean it. Well, I did mean it, of course I meant it, I just mean I didn’t mean to say it now. You know what I mean?” _

_ Silence followed, only perforated by the pounding rain outside. _

_ “I’m sorry,” Roman muttered. _

_ Logan’s head snapped up at the apology. “No, don’t be sorry. I, uh… sorry, this is hard for me to say… I… love you too.” _

Rain. Rain everywhere. Against the cars, against the treehouse, against the houses, the plants, the roads, the grass, the windows. 

In his head. Drowning him, suffocating him.

Roman reached blindly for the memories. The good memories, not the bad ones. The good ones when small compliments sent fuzzy feelings ricocheting in his body. When hand-holds and soft kisses sent Roman to Cloud Nine. When “I love you” texts put everlasting smiles on their faces. When they were in love.

He used to have an endless expanse of those memories to draw upon whenever he felt sad. Now, all he has are the bad ones. The bad ones when grips on his wrists left angry red marks on his skin. The bad ones when Roman clamped his hand over his mouth to stop the late-night sobs from escaping. The bad ones when Roman ducked past his director’s office to avoid his disappointed stare.

Roman sat up in his bed, sending whichever covers were still on his bed to pool at his feet as he stood up. He padded his way across his bedroom to the window, where he gently parted the drapes.

He stared out at the drenched world, watching the rain make rivulets in the roads. Quietly unlocking and opening his window, he leaned his head out, embracing the cool feeling and smell of the rain.

When he finally retreated back to his bed, only one thought was on his mind.

_ What happened to me? _


	10. Chapter 10

_ Love is when you finally gather the courage to leave.  _

“Roman! Hey, Roman!” Patton called eagerly, chasing down the chestnut brown hair as it darted through the crowded hallway. The student in question raised his normally-hung head at the loud cries of his name but, upon spotting who it was, immediately sprinted away.

Well, tried to. It’s hard to sprint through a bustling hallway. However, Roman found a quick reprieve as he slipped into the Boys’ Bathroom and into one of the stalls. Muffled chatter and laughter echoed from the halls outside, but within the bathroom, it was quiet, save for Roman’s heavy breathing and soft sniffles.

He desperately longed for Patton’s comfort or even just to talk to Patton again. It had been so long since Roman had spoken to his puffball of a friend, and more than anything, he needed one of Patton’s bursts of optimism.

As Roman sat miserably on the toilet seat, the bathroom door creaked open.

“Roman?” a timid voice called out. Roman hastily clamped a hand across his mouth to stop his sobs from blowing his cover. “Roman? Please, I know you’re in here.” 

Two sneaker-clad feet stopped outside his stall door, and two quiet knocks sounded on the metal door. “Let me in?”

Though Roman knew Patton couldn’t see him, he shook his head pitifully, eyes trained on the grout between the floor tiles. Roman heard a sigh before rustling. 

“Well, Ro, you’ve left me no choice.”

Within a few seconds, Patton’s head and upper body were beneath the stall door, and soon, he was slithering into the stall along with Roman. “Hey, Ro,” he said cheerily, but the facade instantly fell when he saw his friend huddled on the toilet seat, tears dripping from his nose to the floor.

“Roman?” Patton asked softly. When he got no response, he reached out for his friend’s shoulder and was horrified to see him flinch violently away from the placating hand. “Roman?” Patton asked again, concerned.

Roman’s eyes remained trained on the hand that still hung in the air. Slowly, his gaze drifted up the arm, past Patton’s shoulder, and met his friend’s sad gaze. The eyes dropped to the floor again in shame.

“Oh… Ro,” Patton whispered quietly. He slowly opened his arms, and ever so gently, Roman fell into them.

* * *

_ Dear Logan, _

_ I want to break up.  _

_ I know that was brash, but… well, you always liked honesty. So, I’m going to be honest. _

_ I think I’ve been lying to myself. I told myself that you loved me, that you cared for me, and that you wanted me. I like to think that you did, once. A long time ago. But, I don’t think you do now. Whatever this is, it isn’t love. And if it is, I don’t want it anymore. _

_ But, I still love you. I still want to go back to the days when you loved me,  _ _ really _ _ loved me. When nothing could pop our bubble of romance, and life was easy. Can I go back? Can I tell myself that you love me, and I love you, and that’s all there is to it? If I say it enough will I believe it? And if I believe it, does that make it true? _

_ I’m so confused, Logan. I wonder if you are too.  _

_ I loved you. I still do, I think. I don’t remember when I fell in love with you. Dimly, I’d think to myself that I was in love with you, but the thought was so foreign and new that I’d dismissed it instantly. Then suddenly, my brain caught up with my heart, and the thought wasn’t so scary anymore. I don’t remember falling for you. I just remember falling without realizing, and by the time I knew I was falling, I wasn’t so scared. _

_ But now, my feet are on the ground, and I think I’m ready to start climbing again.  _

_ I’m sorry we got it wrong. Maybe, in another lifetime, we’ll get it right. _

_ Until then, I have to go. I can’t stay, not when it hurts like this. _

_ Sincerely, _

As Roman poised his pencil to sign his name, his door slammed open. “Roman?” Logan spat angrily.

“Logan! What are you doing here?” Roman asked confusedly, trying to shift the letter out of his boyfriend’s view.

Logan rolled his eyes. “I texted you an hour ago telling you we were going to lunch,” he explained, foot tapping on the floor impatiently.

Roman reached for his phone and quickly scrolled through the myriad of texts Logan had sent him, wincing as they gradually became more furious.

“I’m so sorry, I was working. I had put my phone down,” Roman tried to explain.

“Working on what, exactly? I know you do not have any work to do today, so you are clearly lying to me.”

Subconsciously, Roman moved in front of his unfinished letter, but Logan, ever the observer, understood his actions, and in a flash, he had snatched the letter up. His eyes scanned the words, disbelief growing in his gaze as his lip curled in disgust.

“No!” Roman cried, lunging for the precious piece of paper, but it was too late.

“ _ Oh _ ,” Logan drawled, the letter now being folded neatly between Logan’s fingers. “I see.” The letter disappeared into his pocket.

“You… you do?” Roman asked meekly, hoping beyond hope that his boyfriend would understand. That he would understand what they had wasn’t healthy.

“Of course, I do,” Logan crossed his arms over his chest, and Roman felt the small blossom of hope in his stomach wither away almost instantly. That was not the face of an understanding boyfriend. “You think you are too good for me, huh?” Logan growled, eyes ablaze with fury.

“What? No! No, that’s not it all. I was just upset! I love you!” Roman cried, knowing that the words that fell from his mouth were lies, but Patton was wrong. Roman couldn’t leave Logan. He needed him.

“What was it, Roman? Why was I not good enough for you? What exactly makes you so much better than me?”

“I -”

“Oh Roman, Roman, Roman,” Logan sneered as he gestured expansively, “you always want to be the hero of your own story. Well, guess what? Life is not a fairytale, and you are not the hero. You will never be the hero, and you know how I know? Because you  _ lost _ . And there is no one to save you. No Fairy Godmother, no prince, nothing. Because you are the villain, and  _ no one _ saves the villain.”

_ That’s not true! _ Roman weakly protested, but someone in his head was shouting agreement with Logan’s words. And a whole crowd of people believed that someone.

“I do not love you,” Logan continued. “Why would I? You are worthless. You are useless. And no one will ever love you.” The words cut at Roman, shoving him to the ground. “I am the only one who can even stand to look at you. Congratulations, this is the end of the tale. There is no happy ending because villains such as yourself do not get them. You have reached the end of your story, and now, you have  _ no one _ .”

Roman didn’t look up when he heard the footsteps retreating. He didn’t look up when he heard the stairs creak beneath Logan’s weight. He didn’t look up when the door slammed, and he didn’t look up when the car drove away.

He didn’t look up because he knew that if he did, he’d see the mess he had to clean up. And for now, he just wanted to rest. 

Patton: I hope it went okay

Patton: I love you ro <3


	11. Chapter 11

_Love is when you put your life back together and find the hidden pieces of the person you used to be._

**To: Leo Goulding**

**From: Roman Reyburn**

**Subject: Apologies**

Hi Mr. Goulding,

I hope you’re having a good weekend.

I know my performance this winter was not professional. I missed loads of rehearsals, and for the rehearsals I was there for, I hardly knew my lines. I am so sorry about this. I haven’t been myself for the past few months, but I’m trying to turn over a new leaf.

I know that the show is very soon, but is there any way I can still be part of the production? If not, I understand, and I will be content to watch from the audience instead of the wings. I’m sure Terrence is doing an amazing job.

Thank you so much, and I’m sorry again for my behavior this winter.

-Roman

**To: Roman Reyburn**

**From: Leo Goulding**

**Subject: re. Apologies**

Roman,

I am sorry to hear this winter has been rough. I am very proud of you for getting back on your feet, and should you need someone to talk to, I am always here. Alternately, it may do you some good to meet with our guidance counselor, Dr. Picani. There is no obligation to do so, but he may be able to help (of course, if you go, it is all confidential).

If you so wish, we are rather understaffed in our stage crew numbers. I’m sure they would be more than happy to take on a new team member. Let me know if you would like to join them.

Leo Goulding

**To: Leo Goulding**

**From: Roman Reyburn**

**Subject: re. Apologies**

I would love to join tech! Thank you so much for helping me. Dr. Picani sounds like a good idea. I think I might try him.

Thank you again.

-Roman

* * *

Roman shifted from side to side as he stood outside a door marked, in bright letters “Dr. Picani, Come on In!” Nervously rapping on the door, Roman called out, “Um, hello?”

The door swung open to reveal a friendly looking man seated in a swively chair. “Hiya! Come in!” he said, opening the door a little wider. Roman shuffled into the room and awkwardly sank into one of the many bean bags situated around the room.

“My name is Dr. Picani, do you how do?”

“Um, I’m good… you?”

“I’m doing just peachy. What’s your name?” the guidance counselor asked as he snatched a small notebook off of the corner of his very cluttered desk.

“Roman, I’m a junior.”

“Oh! Are you the singer?”

Roman blushed, replying with an affirmative.

“Ah, that’s just wonderful. You have a great set of pipes in there, you do!”

“Oh, uh, thanks.”

“So, what brings ya down to my neck of the woods, huh?”

Roman scanned the room as he tried to think of a way to phrase exactly what had happened. “Well, you see, I had this boyfriend…”

* * *

“Well, Roman, I think we made a lot of progress today. Even if it doesn’t seem like it,” Dr. Picani assured, shutting his notebook and returning it to its precarious position on his desk. “Hopefully, we can do this again?”

“Yeah, that sounds… good,” Roman said, trailing off. “Um, I have to get to rehearsal, so…”

“Oh, of course, you’re in the winter musical! Well, I can’t wait to see you shine on stage with that great voice of yours!”

“Actually, I’m on tech this year,” he explained, eyes cast downwards. When he finally glanced up, he was surprised to see Dr. Picani smiling.

“Then, in that case, I can’t wait to see all your hard work on the stage. Have fun, Roman.”

Roman nodded and sidled out of the room. As he walked to the school’s theater, his mind raced with worries and doubts of the stage crew not liking him. After all, in his three years of high school theater, he’d never talked to any of them. Now, he would be working alongside them. Roman didn’t even want to try imagining what working backstage while his friends were out in the spotlights would feel like.

All too soon, he arrived at the theater’s doors, laughter and even some music coming from within. Taking a deep breath, he pushed open the doors. Almost instantly, all work stopped, and only the poppy music they played pervaded the air before someone shut it off.

“Ah, you must be Roman!” a boisterous voice announced, breaking the silence. “Mr. Goulding told me you’d be joining our crew. I’m Joan, I run the stage crew and tech.”

“Oh, hi, nice to meet you,” Roman half-muttered.

“Good to meet you too. So, have you ever worked in tech before?”

“Uh… no, usually um, usually I’m part of the cast,” Roman mumbled.

“Ah jeez,” someone sighed. Roman turned his head towards the groan and recognized the speaker as Dylan, one of Roman’s classmates. “He’s an _actor_? God, this kid knows nothing.”

“Verte, shut it,” Joan scolded. Dylan rolled his eyes and returned to the table he was building. “Uh, do you know anything?” Joan asked, casting their glance back towards Roman.

“No, not really. I mean, I know how to set and strike, but I don’t really know anything about lights or sound,” Roman explained.

“That’s alright, I’ll get someone to show you the ropes. Uh, hm,” Joan scanned the room, looking for a possible partner. “Ah! Virgil!”

At the call of his name, the boy in question, Virgil apparently, glanced up and tugged out a headphone bud. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Come here, I got someone for you to meet.”

Sighing, Virgil stood up and attempted to brush the sawdust off of his jeans as he walked over.

“Guess you picked the wrong day to wear black, huh?” Roman joked in an attempt to ease his nerves.

Virgil looked at Joan as if to say ‘Seriously?’ before turning back to Roman and scanning him, taking in his appearance from his Broadway T-Shirt to the red Converse. “I always wear black. It’s the color of my soul,” he replied, and Roman couldn’t quite tell if he was joking or not.

“Virgil, play nice. I want you to show Roman around, show him how we do things, yeah?”

“Okay, fine. But give Dylan my work to do today?”

“Virgil-”

“Hey! You owe me for showing the newbie around.”

“Fine. Now, show Roman around,” Joan said through gritted teeth.

“Fine.” Virgil turned his attention to Roman, who still stood awkwardly near the doors. “Follow me.”

Virgil led the way, first up to the lightbox. As they entered the small room, Roman attempted conversation. “So, uh, what do you like to do in your free time?”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Don’t do this. I don’t like small talk. I’m just showing you around because Joan promised me they’d give Dylan my work. That’s it.”

“Oh um, sorry,” Roman apologized before tucking his hands into his pockets.

Virgil continued the theater tour, and the two walked with silence hanging between them, only interrupted when Virgil explained which switches did what and how to watch the actors for cues, gesturing vaguely to different parts of the theater. Soon, they made their way to the catwalk, Virgil climbing up first before impatiently waiting for Roman to scramble up the ladder.

Once up there, Virgil let Roman look around for a minute or two while he checked his phone. After scrolling through all his new Tumblr posts without a sound from Roman, he glanced up to check on his new ‘friend.’ He found Roman to be gazing down at the stage in awe, his mouth agape.

Feeling a little sympathetic for Roman’s earlier actions, Virgil sidestepped towards him, his own gaze trained on the stage crew working down below. “Pretty cool, huh?” he said quietly.

“Yeah, it’s… it’s very cool,” Roman replied, a little breathless. “I’ve never been up here. It’s a pretty different perspective.”

“Yeah, it is,” Virgil agreed and silence fell over them again. 

They continued to stare down before Virgil started to hear singing.

“You like Panic! At the Disco?” Virgil asked, surprised.

“Huh? Oh yeah, I do. How’d you know?” Roman asked, seeming genuinely curious.

“You were singing one of their songs,” Virgil explained.

“Oh, was I? Sorry, I didn’t notice.”

“No it’s fine,” he assured. After a beat of silence, Virgil added, “You’re a good singer, by the way. No wonder you’re always part of the cast.”

“Oh, thank you.”

Silence enveloped them once more. It was quickly interrupted, however, when they heard a very angry yell come from Dylan down below. “What do you mean I have to do Virgil’s work?!”

“Ha!” Virgil snorted. “Sorry not sorry, Dylan,” he taunted, though Dylan couldn’t hear him from up there.

“Hm, serves him right,” Roman joined in.

“Oh? What’d he do to you?” Virgil asked, casting a glance at Roman.

“He called me an actor as if that’s a bad thing! I mean, the _audacity_ ,” Roman explained, throwing a hand to his chest in mock dramaticism.

“I mean, you guys _are_ pretty annoying,” Virgil quipped

“Hey!” Roman exclaimed in an offended tone, though a grin rested on his lips.

“Just saying,” Virgil replied, his grin matching Roman’s. “Alright, come on, Princey, I still have to show you the prop closet,” he said, heading towards the ladder.

“Princey?”

Virgil stopped dead. “Shoot uh… yeah. That’s what me and my friend Rafaela call you. She works in costume, and when we did _Into the Woods_ in Freshman year, she fitted your prince costume. We didn’t know your name back then, so we just called you ‘Prince’ which eventually evolved into ‘Princey’. After she learned your name, she started calling you ‘Roman’, but I still say ‘Princey’ out of habit. Sorry, I can stop if you want-”

“No, I like it, actually. It’s funny,” Roman said, smiling.

“Okay, uh… cool. Well, come on then… _Princey_ ,” Virgil teased.

The two clambered down the ladder, and Virgil led them towards the prop closet. “Oh, and uh, by the way?” Virgil started. “I like to paint and listen to music. I also play piano.”

“That’s so cool!” Roman exclaimed.

“No, it isn’t, shut up, what do you like to do?”

Roman smirked but decided to let the piano-playing go for now. “I like to sing, dance, and play guitar.”

Virgil hummed in acknowledgment before they both fell silent, but this time, it wasn’t an uncomfortable, awkward silence that felt as if it were a gaping hole that needed to be filled. This silence was comfortable and natural. It was a silence shared between friends.


	12. Chapter 12

_ Love is when you say “No” when they come back. _

“Uh, Roman?” Virgil asked quietly. “Roman?” he asked again, a little louder. “Roman?” he said, even louder this time but to no avail. The lunch table Roman was currently clambering over was far too loud and far too busy for Virgil to be noticed by anyone. Anyone except Patton, that is.

“Hiya!” Patton greeted, sitting back down from his previous position of trying to steal the chips from his friend’s plate. “Can I help you?”

Virgil, put on the spot, just pointed at Roman, cringing at his incapacity in social situations, but luckily, Patton grinned at him before nodding.

“Roman!” Patton called, tapping his extravagant friend on the shoulder several times.

“Little busy, Pat!” Roman replied, caught in a tense wrestling match for the last slice of pizza left on his plate.

“But Virgil’s here!”

At this, Roman finally stopped and turned around, greeting his new friend with a broad smile. “Virgil! Sorry, I didn’t see you, I had…” Roman paused, sending a glare at Remy, who was happily munching on Roman’s pizza, “other business to deal with. Is it time to go?”

“Yeah,” Virgil said, louder now that he was in the presence of Roman.

“Cool!” Roman slid off the lunch bench and snatched his bag from beneath the table. “I’ll see you guys later! We have early tech rehearsal today, duty calls,” he said, waving goodbye to his friends as he fell into step with Virgil.

“They seem… interesting,” Virgil commented once they were out of earshot.

“Yeah, they are an… eclectic bunch,” Roman replied, picking his words carefully. “But I love them, they’re really great once you get to know them.”

“Yeah, they seem nice. Especially Patton,” Virgil added as an afterthought.

The pair continued their way through the school, random conversations being shared between them. They were just outside the theater, however, when a voice stopped them.

“Roman?”

The two turned towards the sound, and Roman’s face blanched as he recognized the speaker. “Logan? What do you want?” he asked, surprised when venom laced his tone, and he was even more surprised when he saw Logan flinch slightly.

“I was just wondering if we could talk,” Logan offered.

Roman cast a glance at Virgil who was glancing between the two of them, sensing the obvious tension. When he caught Virgil’s gaze, his friend raised his eyebrows at him, silently asking what Roman wanted to do.

“Fine. I’ll catch up with you later, V,” Roman said, effectively dismissing Virgil as he stepped towards Logan. “Shall we?” he asked, gesturing to an empty classroom behind them. “So?” Roman prompted as the door shut behind them. “You said you wanted to talk. So talk.”

Logan’s eyes whipped towards Roman’s, taken aback by Roman’s cool approach to something so emotionally taxing. “I just…” Logan started, trailing off. He looked at Roman before taking a deep breath. “I miss you. A lot. And I want you back. I want…  _ us _ back.” Logan started to pace. “I never realized how much…  _ better _ you made me. My entire life improved when we started dating, you were - you were the only thing that made me happy.”

_ Red flag, Roman! _ a voice called out in Roman’s head.  _ Remember what Patton told you, he might be manipulating you. _

_ Or he could just be genuine! He might still love me! _

_ But do you still love him? _

“I want that back. And - ”

_ Wait -  _ “Me or the happiness?” Roman asked, cutting Logan off.

“What?”

“You said you want ‘that’ back. Is ‘that’ me or the happiness?” he pressed.

“Is there a difference?” Logan asked, arms folding over his chest.

“Yes. Monumentally. One favors both of us, and the other only favors you,” Roman countered.

“Please, Roman. I need you,” Logan said, arms uncrossing and reaching for Roman, voice pleading. 

Roman, to his surprise, found himself stepping back. “I… I don’t know, Logan.”

“Roman,  _ please _ . I am nothing without you. I am drowning and I… I need you to save me,” he begged, coming closer

“Logan - I - we weren’t good together!” Roman tried to explain. 

“Please, I’m begging you. Just say that you can… please? For me? For  _ us _ ?”

_ Say it. You can! You have to. _

_ You need to. _

“I…” Roman faltered. 

_ TELL HIM YOU CAN. _

“I can’t. I can’t do that. I’m sorry but… I can’t do that to you. It hurt you! It hurt  _ me _ ,” Roman cried, voice breaking at the words that fell from his lips.

Logan stopped advancing, retreating his arms to his sides as his face set into a stone cold expression. The change was instantaneous. Like a faucet turning off, Logan became devoid of emotion. If Roman wasn’t sure before, he was now. No one can spill that many genuine emotions and wipe their face clean as if it never happened.

“Well then, I see where your priorities lie. Not such a great hero, are you, Roman? After all, heroes are rarely so selfish,” Logan said coolly before he stormed out of the classroom, the door slam leaving a resounding echo in Roman’s head.

_ What just happened? _ Roman thought to himself as silence crashed down upon him. He stumbled to a desk and sank into the plastic chair.

_ Not such a great hero are you? Heroes are rarely so selfish…  _

_ Not a hero… rarely so selfish. _

_ Not a hero, too selfish. _

_ Selfish. _

_ Selfish. _

_ Selfish. _

_ I’m selfish. I’m selfish because I can’t ever stop loving you… _

* * *

Roman trudged into the theater and made a beeline for the sign-in sheet, marking that he would be working up on the catwalk. Without saying a word, he clambered up the ladder, practically sighing in relief as he looked over the stage.

“Oh, it’s the  _ actor _ ,” a voice drawled. Roman internally groaned when he recognized the speaker. Taking a steadying breath, he turned toward the voice.

“Dylan, what a pleasure,” he said flatly.

“Isn’t it?” Dylan retaliated, stepping closer, and once he did, he could make out the tear tracks that lined Roman’s face. “Hey, are you okay?” he asked, his tone shifting. 

“Yeah, I’m… I’ll be fine,” Roman answered.

“I’m gonna get Beltz,” Dylan said, heading for the ladder.

“Wait, who?” Roman asked, spinning to follow him, but Dylan was already gone. “Great,” Roman muttered, crossing the platform to start checking the lights. “Might as well do  _ some _ work while I’m up here.”

“Princey, you okay? Dylan sent me up here,” a very familiar voice called out from behind him, and Roman felt a small smile spread across his face. 

“Hey, V. I didn’t know your last name was Beltz,” Roman said, turning towards his friend.

“Yeah, sorry, it never came up.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

“So… are you okay?” Virgil asked, turning towards the stage and peering over the railing. When he was met with silence, he glanced over at Roman who stood staring at the ground, fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “Princey?”

“I… no, not really,” Roman said, slumping against the railing beside Virgil. “But I really don’t want to talk about it… honestly, I just kind of need a hug,” he muttered but quickly straightened up. “Not that I’m asking you to give me one. I know you don’t like that so, don’t worry about it, honestly,” Roman sputtered, hurriedly trying to justify himself.

“Hey, Princey, calm down, breathe,” Virgil reassured. “It’s okay, you know. Um… yeah, I don’t like hugs, but uh…” he trailed off, trying to think of a compromise.

“Do… do you know what a hand hug is?” Roman suggested, peeking up through his bangs.

“No?”

“Oh, it’s something I used to do with my brother when he was younger. Here, it’s like this: can I take your hand?” Roman asked cautiously.

“Uh, yeah sure,” Virgil said, offering his hand. Roman pressed their palms together, wrapped his thumb around the back of Virgil’s hand, and squeezed gently. Virgil, almost on instinct, reciprocated the action before letting go.

“See? It’s just… you know, a hand hug… Sorry, it’s dumb,” Roman mumbled, quickly retreating from Virgil.

“No, wait, it’s not dumb, Princey,” Virgil reassured, holding out his hand to Roman and letting out a small smile when Roman connected them again, briefly. Roman exhaled a laugh before turning back to the stage below them, gazing out at the other techies. “Are you okay?” Virgil repeated quietly.

Roman sighed. “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”

“Yeah… and…” Virgil hesitated before finishing, “I’m really glad you are.”

Roman glanced over at him a confused sort of smile on his face. “Thanks, V.”

“Anytime, Princey.”


	13. Chapter 13

_ Love is when you love yourself before you love others. _

“Alright, males and un-males!” Joan said loudly, effectively attracting the attention of the tech crew who were currently lounging on the stage. “We have five days until the show!” That sent them into panic, everyone shooting to their feet. “So, I’ve assigned you locations to work at, please listen closely! Camden, Lev, and Adri, I want you guys up in the tech booth checking sound effects and lighting cues. Dylan and Taylor, you guys are gonna finish building and painting. Roman and Virgil, you guys are checking lights on the catwalk. Kenny, I want you checking props and spiking. Everyone got it? Good.”

Roman and Virgil took one glance at each other, faces alight with grins, before taking off towards the catwalk. They scrambled up it, tugging at each other’s clothing to slow them down. Roman clambered up onto the platform first, raising his arms and spinning in victory.

“Ah  _ hah! _ Take that, you  _ heathen _ ,” Roman cried in glory. 

“Heathen? Princey, I’m wounded,” Virgil retorted, mockingly pressing a hand to his chest like he’d seen his dramatic counterpart do so often. Roman snorted in response, lightly shoving Virgil before striding across the catwalk to start light checks.

“I can’t believe the show is so soon,” Virgil said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah,” Roman replied quietly. Concerned, Virgil cast a glance towards his friend to see him idly fiddling with the lights with no real concentration.

“You good, Roman?” he asked, nearing him.

“What? Yeah,” Roman said, shooting up. “I’m fine. Just tired, you know?”

* * *

“Five minutes to places,” crackled a voice through the loudspeakers.

“Thank you, five!” echoed the actors as they rushed about the drama room, frantically checking makeups, zips, and wigs. Roman, for the first time in his life, watched the ordeal from the catwalk while he examined the wires one last time. He and Virgil were up on the catwalk for the majority of the show, only coming down once or twice for a set change.

Roman watched audience members steadily stream in, eyes roaming over the extravagant stage that Roman and the other members of the tech crew had spent weeks on. He deflated a little when his eyes caught on Terrence in the wings wearing Usnavi’s costume. Of course, he was elated for his friend to get his big break, but he couldn’t help feel the slightest bit of jealousy at his friend stealing his role away. 

_ Wasn’t really Terrence’s fault, though, was it? _ Roman thought, scowling at himself. 

He was ripped from his thoughts, however, when he felt a nudge on his shoulder, and he turned to see Virgil looking up at him, the hint of a smile on his face. “Hey, Princey. Ready for the show?”

Roman took a breath, mentally reorienting himself back in the present. “Yeah, I guess. It’s weird to be up here instead of behind the wings,” he said quietly, staring longingly at the stage.

“It’s not all that bad though, right?” Virgil ventured in an attempt to cheer Roman up. “After all, I’ll finally be able to see your face this time instead of straining to see it from up here.”

Roman smirked. “Didn’t realize you wanted to see my face so bad, V,” he replied playfully.

“Yeah, right, Princey. All the girls love the pretty boy,” Virgil retorted, feigning a swoon.

“Too bad the boys don’t,” Roman lamented.

There was a beat of silence before Virgil spoke quietly. “The boys?”

“Well, yeah? You didn’t think I was straight did you?” Roman asked, playfully incredulous before he turned serious. “Wait, you’re not homophobic, right?”

“No! No no no, I’m not… no,” Virgil stammered. “I uh, I swing that way too,” he mumbled, eyes trained on the floor, cheeks beet red. He only looked up when he saw a hand held in front of his face, and his eyes trailed along the arm until he met Roman’s smiling eyes. Grinning a little, Virgil clasped Roman’s hand in a hand hug before laughing a little. “I haven’t really come out to that many people, so this,” he gestured around them, “is still kind of new.”

“Well, thank you for trusting me,” Roman replied.

Virgil opened his mouth to tell him it was no problem but was cut off by Lev’s voice over the speakers announcing that the show was about to start. The last few audience members shuffled in and settled into seats, and the show began.

As the opening clicks echoed from the orchestra, Roman began tracking Terrence with a spotlight. While Roman followed him, he glanced towards Virgil who, to his surprise, had his eyes trained on him. Roman faced forward again, too scared he’d do a shabby job and miss Terrence as he moved about the stage, but he still raised his eyebrow at his friend. “Looking for something, V?” he muttered quietly, smirking.

“Just making sure you don’t screw up, Princey. Wouldn’t want Dylan to make fun of you, now would we?”

Roman scoffed playfully. “Sure, V, sure.”

A smile spread on Roman’s face, but the elation from the interaction soon faded when Terrence and Thomas began their scene together as Usnavi and Benny, respectively. Whenever Thomas and Roman had done the scene, they had always greeted each other with their patented handshake, which the director always loved. Now, he watched that same handshake performed by Thomas and Terrence from afar.

An all too familiar clenching feeling made itself known in Roman’s chest. It squeezed his heart while tears pricked his eyes. He felt his shoulders sag as he weakly trained the spotlight on Terrence.

“Princey, you okay?” Virgil asked quietly, eyes darting over towards his friend just in time to catch the smallest shake of Roman’s head. “Okay. That’s okay. Uh, we won’t have that much time during intermission, so wait for me after the show? We can uh, get ice cream. Yeah?”

Roman nodded. “Okay. Sorry,” he added.

“Totally fine. I wanted ice cream anyway,” Virgil joked.

The rest of the show passed smoothly as the two boys watched the performance from the catwalk. Soon, they were clapping along with the audience while they followed the actors with spotlights for the curtain call. 

Long after the velvet curtain fell, Roman and Virgil finally climbed down the ladder and headed outside. For the first time in weeks, warm evening air greeted the two as they began to walk into town.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” Virgil ventured, breaking the comfortable silence that had enveloped them.

Roman looked towards the sky where he could see the moon, no clouds covering it. “Actually,” he started, looking down again, “not really. I kind of just want to enjoy the moment. You know?” he asked, looking towards Virgil.

Virgil chuckled. “Yeah, I know what you mean. Well,” he added, “I’m a bit of a hypocrite for agreeing. It’s kind of hard to stay in the moment, sometimes.”

Roman slid his gaze towards his friend, the golden glow of passing shops lighting Virgil’s soft smile. 

_ I like you, _ he thought to himself. The thought, oddly enough, didn’t scare him. Not as much as Roman thought it would.  _ Yeah, _ he continued, sneaking glances at his friend while they walked.  _ I really like you. _

Roman opened his mouth to speak once more. “I think some time in the present will be really good for us,” he mused. 

_ So, I think I’ll wait, _ he finished in his head. And the unlikely duo continued their quiet conversations, and as they walked, Roman, for the first time since Logan had walked out on him, felt happy. Not overwhelming, explosive joy, but peaceful, calm content. And Roman knew he would be okay.


	14. Chapter 14

_ Love is when their easy grin sets your heart fluttering. _

Roman knew that he was already head over heels for this boy as soon as he flashed his grin at him. Well, could you really call it a grin? It was more of a smile. A soft chuckle at the irony of the boy, Virgil, wanting to live in the present when he was always stuck in the future.

That was last year.

Now, in Roman and Virgil’s senior year, the latter of the two was up on the catwalk cheering wildly for his friend who, on stage, took his last bow of the musical season. The rest of the cast followed suit after Roman before the curtain fell, and they dispersed from the stage.

Roman, however, costume and all, made a beeline for the ladder. Climbing up it, he summoned his friend. “Virgil~” he sang as he reached the top. “It’s me, your favorite, Roman.” He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard his words amplified around the theater.

“Roman, you dolt, your mic is still on,” Virgil laughed, shaking his head and walking over to his friend. “Stand still,” he commanded, leaning forward to fiddle with Roman’s microphone.

“But it tickles!” Roman giggled, Virgil’s fingers, while trying to adjust the mic fastened to his hip, jabbing at the sensitive skin.

“Too bad!” Virgil snickered. “There, now the whole theater won’t hear our conversations.”

“Well, that’s a relief, because um…” Roman trailed off, the conversation losing its giddy feeling. “I actually have something to ask you.” Roman swallowed. “So, uh, do you remember the first time we went to go get ice cream?”

“Yes?” Virgil answered, clearly questioning what their ice-cream trips had to do with anything.

“Yeah well… I sort of… developed a crush on you then. Kind of like a big one?” Roman started, fingers twitching with his microphone wire. “And anyway, I didn’t ask you out back then because I wanted to wait for all these reasons, and I don’t know, the point is: I don’t want to wait anymore. So… Virgil, will you go on a date with me?” Roman asked nervously.

“Sure, Princey,” Virgil replied. “Sounds fun. On one condition though: no small talk. Deal?” he asked, holding out his hand for Roman to shake.

“Deal,” Roman agreed, grinning from ear to ear. He took the hand and brought it a centimeter away from his lips, kissing the air above it, before flicking his eyes over to Virgil to gauge his reaction. “Too far?”

Virgil shook his head, a rosy blush spreading across his cheeks. “Gee, Princey, you sure are cheesy.”

“I guess I’m just a pizza-work,” Roman shot back, finger guns accompanying the pun.

Virgil groaned, fingers starting to massage his temple. “God, that was so bad.”

“You love it though,” Roman quipped, starting to descend the ladder.

Virgil could only huff out a laugh as he watched his crush disappear because you know what? He did.

_ Love is when you get hurt time and time again but still get back up again because, somewhere out there, someone is waiting to love you. And this time they’ll do it right. _


	15. Chapter 15

Love is when their easy grin sets your heart fluttering.

Love is when you suddenly notice that they’re everywhere around you.

Love is when they start to invade your mind, giving what used to be pointless items sentiment.

Love is when you have to psych yourself up for even the smallest of touches.

Love is when you’re finally together, and it’s barely a change from your everyday life.

Love is when the whispers turn into shouts, and the hugs turn into iron grips that leave a mark.

Love is when you watch as your personality fades away into someone that you no longer recognise.

Love is when you see another pair work out an argument that ends in genuine “I’m Sorry’s”, and it feels foreign to you.

Love is when you realize that what you have isn’t love. Maybe it used to be, but now it's not. 

Love is when you finally gather the courage to leave. 

Love is when you put your life back together and find the hidden pieces of the person you used to be.

Love is when you say “No” when they come back.

Love is when you love yourself before you love others.

Love is when their easy grin sets your heart fluttering.

Love is when you get hurt time and time again but still get back up again because, somewhere out there, someone is waiting to love you. And this time they’ll do it right.


End file.
